Hmmm…where to begin..

I read a few xangas today and one in particular as it always does whenever I read it, made me think.

These really are people’s diaries, their journals…and its very much a private thing for some. This xanga in particular became a favorite because the person writing it is so well spoken. You’d read his words and swear you picked a book by a best selling author. His writing is simply gorgeous (he’s not too bad himself either but that’s not what made me read).

Anyway, reading his last entry it made me feel a little bad ya know. I read his xanga whenever I get the chance…which depending on my mood or a given day may not be much….but when I do, I read it and in my mind I make my comment rather than clicking on the little comment button to leave what I just thought about it.

I’ve only left one comment at his xanga but I could’ve left others. Its just…its bad enough that I don’t know him but to try to comment on his personal situations or an experience he has had would be worse especially since I don’t know him. So I feel a little bad about having read this person’s xanga and not making many comments and pretty much sat watching through the window of his life. So, I decided to just unsubscribe from his site.

I don’t know…I guess I never really gave it the thought it deserved, even though the xangas are there for public viewing amongst the members of xanga…subscribing to someone’s stuff when they don’t know you can cause weirdness so….yeah. I just didn’t relay it into terms of invading someone’s privacy. So it’s done. I do hope that he pursues his writing, I think should he choose to do so, he’ll succeed.

Ok…some other stuff…

in response to CD’s comment…while I still marvel at that the fact that chivalry still exists in some people, I am even more taken back by the fact that the genders are still looked upon as unequal.  I don’t know…I still have some very old fashioned beliefs and thoughts about things so I’m not complaining about the young man offering his help, I’m glad that he did.  Its just his premise for doing   Now whats going to be funny is when he meets a woman that will change his way of thinking.  I think it will be kind of a funny encounter…lol 

“Hey women aren’t as weak as I thought they were.”   People should always challenge what they’ve learned and why, then decide whether or not that makes sense…if it does, what you will.

Ahh…miguided parents warping the minds of their children….2,000 years and  

I’m not saying anything bad about anything…..parents are great and so are kids, but its our jobs to let them know truths about the world, before a personal belief is instilled, ya know.   But thats just my frame of thinking.  Teach them what they need to know and then present a personal thought or philosophy. 

Anyway…I have some good news….that I will post at Forum Popularis (Google it).   I’m really happy and always releived about it.  I worried and I guess I’ll keep worrying until …

But at least I know everyone’s ok for the moment. 

Got something I have to do before bed so I must take my leave now.


I was in the grocery store picking up some stuff (milk, juice, bread..etc) and I checked out, then attempted to carry my bags to my car cuz I didn’t want to use a cart-plus my car wasn’t parked that far away.

So my hands are full and arms are weighed down with my bags of crap and the cutest boy walks up to me and says “miss can I help you with your bags?” And I whirled to find a nice young man standing behind me, I’m guessing he was 15 or 16 years old, short red hair, and the cutest smile.  So I said you work here and he said “no, but I saw you needed help.”

I thanked him and we made some small talk and stuff, then I thanked him for helping me and offered him a few bucks and he says….”oh no maam, I can’t take your money, thats just not how I am.”  and I was sooo shocked at that, I thought oh my goodness…some girl is gonna be pretty lucky.  Then he says “besides, my dad taught me to always help a woman.” 

But the way he said it..made me question it.. “why is that?”  Kid:  He says because women like to think they can do it all by themselves..but they are weaker than men, so its kinda our job to help out as much as possible.”

me: “……….ok, thanks for the help” 

Yeah…comedy.  I’m not upset about it, I did need help and everything buuut….its the that child’s thought process that worries me and his father’s ways of thinking bother me even more.  But he’s not my child sooo…..  lol

Anyway…got some stuff I need to do, I’ll be back later to write a bit more.


Puddle Of Mudd – Blurry  (I love this song)

After a strenuous session of answering all of CD’s frikkin SURVEYS!!!! 

I have created one big monster of a thing to post here….they are a complilation of all the surveys I have stolen from CD.  I got the idea to put them together from Disordinated, it was a wonderful idea.  And I think that …whatever addiction I was building for the internet surveys has been thoroughly cured.

Here it is…The Frankenstein of Internet Surveys

[ series 1 ]

Birthplace: St. Louis, MO
Current Location: St. Louis, MO
Eye Color: brown
Hair Color: brownish red


Weight: uh….nunyabidnes

Innie or Outtie: innie
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Gemini
Font: Beach or Georgia
[ series 2 – your favorite ]
Music: Everything
Cartoon: Hey Arnold, SpongeBob Squarepants and Jimmy Neutron
Color: Blue
Car:.96 Impala and 95 Grand Prix and the King of them all 67 Camero baby (preferably in midnight blue and chrome)
Slushy Flavor:.white cherry
Magazine: Entertainment Weekly, GamePro, Metropolitan

TV Show:.Maximum Exposure, MXC, Law & Order SVU, CSI
Song at the Moment:.
Language: English and a little Spanish
Spice Girl: none of them
Food & Beverage:Paella
Subject in School: English, Creative Writing, Art and History
Weekend Activity: Writing, drawing, outdoor activities, movies and reading
Frozen Yogurt:.Ted Drew’s Strawberry
Roller Coaster: Timberwolf at Worlds of Fun

[ series 3 – what is ]
Your most overused phrase: “are you touched?” “Did you get some bad crack?”
First thing you thought when you woke up: damn its bright
Last image/thought you go to sleep with: last night was swimming with a friend
First feature you notice of opposite sex: eyes
Best name for a Butler: Dammit. “Dammit, could you get the door.” “Dammit, is dinner served?”
Wussiest Sport: Equestrian (even though I love horses)
Your best feature: Legs and eyes
Your greatest fear: Death of friends and family from something I caused
Your greatest accomplishment: Hasn’t happened yet….but if I have to name something, living through childbirth twice
Your most missed memory: playing in my grandmother’s hair
[ series 4 – you prefer ]
Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi
McDonald’s or Burger King: Burger King
Single or Group Dates: Single
Adidas or Nike: Fila
Chicken nuggets or Chicken fingers: Chicken toes
Dogs or Cats: both
Rugrats or Doug: I kinda like Doug, who wouldn’t want a little sister named DirtBike
Single or Taken: Single..been taken and I’m not to fond alien probing
Monica or Brandy: Monica…she’s a better singer than Brandy
Tupac or Jay-Z: Jay Z
Shania Twain or LeAnn Rhymes: Shania hands down
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:.Lipton
One pillow or Two:50
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Hot chocolate or Hot cocoa: hot chocolate
Cappucino or Coffee: Coffee
[ series 5 – do you ]
Shower everyday: why yes I do
Have a crush: yeeees
Think you’ve been in love: yes
Want to go to college: been there but I could go again
Like high school: it was ok but I wouldn’t want to relive it
Want to get married: Eventually I guess…when I’m ready to try again
Type correctly: I try
Believe in yourself: yeah, its good to have some level of self esteem
Have any tattoos? yes
Have any piercings? Yes, ears and other places
Get motion sickness: it happened once..but I usually don’t
Think you’re a health freak: no, can’t eat what I eat and be a health freak
Get along with your parents: yes and even more so that I have not lived with her since age 19
Like thunderstorms: yes…only the lightening bothers me a little bit

[ series 6 – the future ]
Age your plan to be married: I don’t know..whenever I’m ready to try again
Number and names of children: well I have 2 and their names are tyran (tj) and tieryn
Where will you be at age 20: I was working at Lamber Intl. And attending community college
Dream wedding: an island somewhere maybe….I don’t know
How do you want to die: As violently as possible, so I can come back and haunt people
Dream job: anything that would allow me to use the things that I think I’m talented at
Country you’d like to visit: all of them
[ series 7 – opposite sex ]
Best eye color: any color is fine..though I have a thing for blue and greens
Best hair color: any color is fine
Short or long hair: doesn’t matter as long as its clean, I like to play in men’s hair
Best height: I generally go after men that are taller than I am, but its not a big deal
Best weight: doesn’t matter, though super skinniness frightens me, I shouldn’t be able to see your skeleton beneath your skin
Best clothes: anything, as long as its your sense of style and it reflects who you are.
Best first date location: a picnic in a public park or secluded spot at sunset
Best first kiss location: on my body or location period? *sigh – corner of mouth (you’ll want more) and beneath an umbrella in the rain or out in the middle of a good falling snow
[ series 8 – other ]
Last time you slept with a stuffed animal: last night
Last time you slept with a weapon: last night (c’mon now, didn’t you know, I am a weapon)
Rings before you answer the phone: 3 (seriously depends on who calls and if my psychic ability isn’t on the
What’s on your mousepad: the lovely kids from American Pie and the pie with a whole in it
How many houses you’ve lived in: a total of 6 (that’s including 2 apartments)
How many schools you’ve gone to: 1 elementary school, 1 school of elegance, 1 middle school, 1 high school and 2 colleges
Bedroom carpet color: blue
Shave your head for $5,000?: sure
Stranded on a desert island: huh? …..uhhhh, yeah, and I’m using a computer I made from to stone slabs, a coconut and banana leaves….it’s a wireless connection *looks around for Wilson and notices him sailing off in the last homemade canoe
Best time of your life so far: Being a parent.


Seven things in your room:

1. Hello Kitty
2. 3 Books that I write in (childrens stories, poetry and adult fiction)
3. Bookshelf with stephen king books and movies on it
4. Jewelry box
5. Television
6. Stereo
7. Bed

Top seven things you say most:

1. Dude
2. Dammit
3. What the Hell
4. Are you touched
5. Mm mm (sound for no)
6. Shit
7. Cool

Do You:

Smoke? no
Do drugs? Yes prescription other than that no
Read the newspaper? Yes
Pray? Absolutely
Have a Job? If that’s what you wanna call it
Attend Church? Yep

Have you ever:

Been in love? Yes
Gone skinny dipping? Yes
Had surgery? Yes (in chronological order – removed hernia and benign mole age 6, serious surgical procedure at age 13, stitched up from knife wound age 17, 2nd child age 19..that is surgery, removal of tumors age 23, 3rd child, removal of tumors and tuballigation age 25, and some stuff at age 28) damn…will I live past 50 …geez
Swam in the dark? Yes and skinny dipped at the same time
Been to a Bonfire? Many
Got Drunk? Yes when it was easy for me to do so
Ran away from home? Yes, it was a common practice for me
Gotten beaten up? …….yes
Beaten someone up? Yes but I always had a very good reason for fighting
Been on stage? A few times

Slept outdoors? Yes, its more relaxing than sleeping indoors
Been on radio/tv? A few times
Been in a mosh-pit? No
Wallet? Uhhh….sure, I own one ??
Coffee? Yeah I drink coffee ??
Cologne/Perfume?: Yes I wear perfume and I like it when men wear cologne but they don’t have to

In the last 24 Hours have you…

Cried? Ummm…yeah, but not out of sadness
Bought something? Yeah ..I bought Lex some ink so that he can do quit bitching about being thirsty
Gotten sick? no
Sang? Yes, I am singing right now (Blurry)
Been kissed? Not in the last 24 hours no
Felt stupid? Yes, I felt stupid an hour ago
Talked to an ex? Yes, 3 hours ago
Talked to someone you have a crush on? I sure did *smiles
Missed someone? All the time
Hugged someone?. Yes, an hour ago

Miscellaneous junk

// Ver. 2 – Describe

–Your Heritage: Black/Brazillian/Caucasion/American Indian somewhere in there
–The Shoes You Wore Today: white K Swiss with navy blue stripes
–Your Weakness: That’s Classified Info. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.

–Your Perfect Pizza: Deep Dish supreme with extra cheese and no fishies
–One thing You’d Like to Achieve: Here’s two: To actually publish at least one book or story I’ve written.

// Ver.3

–What is your most overused phrase?: “You’ll be alright.” (mostly in a sarcastic and uncaring tone)
–Your first thoughts waking up:THE SUN!!!! *screams

–The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: eyes and lips
–Your best physical features: Eyes and legs..I think
–Your bedtime: I don’t know anymore…whenever my body gives out

// Ver.4

–Pepsi or Coke: Dr. Pepper and Pibb Xtra
–McDonald’s or Burger King: Burger King
–Single or Group Dates: Both

–Adidas or Nike: Fila
–Chocolate or Vanilla: Strawberry (assuming we are talking about ice cream)

–Boxers or Briefs: Panties and thongs but I have been known to wear boxers 😛

// Ver.5

–Do you smoke?: No
–Cuss?: yeah
–Sing Well?: I’m alright…You couldn’t pay me to go on A.I.
–Do you think you’ve been in love?: Yes I have
–Want to go to college: Maybe
–Liked High School?: Not really
–Want to get married?: Some day I guess
–Type with fingers on the right keys: no actually I use my toes on the left keys
–Get motion sickness: I have before but its not a problem for me
–Think you’re attractive: I’m cute, not beautiful or gorgeous…but easy on the eyes

–Think you’re a health freak: Absolutely not.
–Get along with parents: Now that we live in different locations…yes lol
–Like Thunderstorms: yes

// Ver.6 – in the past month, did/have you:

–Consumed Alchohol: Yes.
–Have Sex: Yes.
–Made Out: Yes.
–Gone On Date: Yes..hopefully I will again.
–Go To the Mall: Yeah
–Eaten an entire box of Oreos: If there is ice cream or milk involved, it will happen
–Eaten Sushi: Yes.
–Gone Skating: No even though I’ve been threatened if I don’t go soon
–Made Homemade cookies: YES!!
–Been in Love: Have I been in love in the last month…yeah
–Gone Skinny Dipping: yeah
–Dyed your hair: nope, I am currently dye free
–Stolen Anything: does taking the pens on the little chains at banks count as theft??

// Ver.7

–Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: Yes…:P
–Been trashed or completely intoxicated: just once
–Been caught “doing something”?: I’ve been caught doing plenty of things..what are YOU referring to?
–Been Called a “Tease”: Yes, its true…I am a tease, but I am the best damn tease ever!
–Shoplifted?: There was an incident when I was a year old that family members like to remind me of, I apparently while shopping with my mom put a bunch of candy in my diaper while we were at Kroger and when we got in the car..I took my diaper off to get to my candy and was eating it. Because my diaper was completely dry and I had stolen candy ….My punishment was to be severely potty That is the only time I have shoplifted.

// Ver.8

–Age you hope to be married?: *shrugs, whenever that special someone comes along…don’t care when
–Numbers and Names of Children?: 2, they are Tyran (boy 8) and Tieryn(girl 3).
–Describe your dream wedding: In an Ice Castle that’s specially crafted for me in the middle of the Antarctic
–How do you want to die?:Scroll up…I said as violently as possible, how else am I going to haunt you.
–Where do you want to go to college: In Italy


12:25pm – I feel queasy…my stomach is doing flips.  Not butterflies but flips.  Could be because I haven’t had any breakfast or lunch….but I don’t really feel like eating.

I’ll go and grab a bowl of cereal or some fruit soon.

I was planning on going to bed early last night but ..I had a visitor (Bryce) that didin’t call before he came and we ended up talking for a looooooong time.  I didn’t go to sleep until 4 this morning.  He ended up spending the night and I didn’t mind.  He had alot to say and I listened.  I always do.  It was pretty productive, we even had a few laughs and a kiss or two.

Now should I be upset that he came ready to stay the night. (he had an overnight bag in his truck)  Suppose I didn’t want him to stay and wanted him to leave at 4 in the morning!  I’m not that evil, anyone that comes to my house late in the evening and ends up staying until the wee hours of the morning will be an overnight guest.  I am pretty adamant about that with everyone. Its 4 in the morning….do yo really need to be driving anywhere that late or early?  Right, so I make people stay.

He is at the moment playing a electronic battleship with tj……and he’s losing!  To an 8 year old!!.  haha.   And because I’m sitting here laughing at that, I’ve just been warned that since I’m gonna be a future loser.

*says in style of bugs bunny*  “He don’t know me very well, do he.”  Ahhh…he must learn and I must teach him.  Electronic Battleship was made for me and I always win.  ALWAYS!!  I realize that he could be letting tj win over there but still even if he were…he is no match for my nautical navigational intellect and intuitive prowess.  HA! 

So while I’m waiting on them, I am gonna go and watch some NFC playoffs.  I am now rooting for the Eagles because the St. Louis Freds have upset me, by losing to the frikkin FALCONS.  So I can’t go with the Falcons.  Its go Eagles.  So it should be the Eagles and the Patriots at the SuperBowl…and the Patriots will win it, unless they give the game away. 

So we’ll see.  I’ll be back later.


That right there is what is being forced upon my senses at this very moment.  

Care Bears the Movie.  Not only did my daughter get the vhs and the dvd for christmas, apparently santa and the grandparents were on the same wave length or were subjected to mind control by the child,  the damn movie plays on Showtime Family as we speak.  Its cool, I love teddy bears and even though I’ve seen this blasted movie about  283, 348, 101 times since christmas ..its ok. 

*shakes while holding and rocking herself as she stares at the yellow funshine bear with its workout garb singing “lets get physical” sitting on her desk*

I’m combatting the cuteness later by pulling out my son’s GI Joes and wwe/wwf figurines….and I think I’ll make Hello Kitty Commander in

Nah…but I will need to watch a horror movie to balance myself.  I feel like eating marshmallows for pete’s sake.  (sub concious: but isn’t your nickname suga?  me: shut up..go back to sleep)

As we can see I am in a good and pretty goofy mood right now.  Only I don’t know if its because I had a goodtime last night or if its because I didn’t get a great deal of sleep…ah whatever, I’ll take the improvement anyway I can.  It’s working for me.

Soooo….About Last Night!

First of all…MY FRIENDS SUCK ASS!  Yeah just thought I would get that out first.  …..  Well let me edit that…MY FRIENDS THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO HANG OUT WITH ME AND DIDN”T SUCK ASS!  Yeah, no sense in me including everyone in that. 

So erika, kyndra and kim couldn’t get their shit together long enough to go and have some fun as a group…they fought the whole 30 min they were in each others presence.  So then that left me, bryce and neil…  Well, the tormented lover was in too much of a “I wanna die ….” mood that he didn’t want to be around people so he decided he wanted to go home and figure out what he “stuff”.  I being the caring, sensitive..on a break from relationship girlfriend” that I am …offered to come over and spend some time with him, I asked him if he wanted to talk….I even attempted to tickle him behind his ear, he likes that and that usually makes him smile regardless of what mood he’s in, but that didn’t work.  He pouted, sighed then looked at the floor and told me that he would be going home, “I want to be alone for a little while”.

What did I do…I looked up at him..put my hands on my hips..and gave a “tsk-Umpf!…ok, I’ll call you later.”  I wasn’t suppose to say that.  He wanted to hear “damn, guess the night’s shot..I’m gonna go home and sulk too.” 

heh heh heh..nope!  I went out and I had a great time with Neil.  I was determined to get out and I did.  So the plan was to go and play pool, but we ended up doing that and then going to Dave&Buster’s.  We played pool at our favorite little bowling alley..Strike n’ Spare ..we  hung around there and watch the league bowlers, talked to a few people we knew…..then we ended up in Earth the love D&B’s restaurant and gaming place. 

We had a few drinks, played some games ( I rock at the boxing, House of the Dead II and the Basketball Shootout btw)  and then we had some dinner.  It was cool.  A nice non-stressful night, I laughed alot because we were both in a bit of a silly mood.  I was trying to get him to go and talk to these girls…and he refused.  I mean, these girls were blatantly flirting with him…he tells me, no they don’t want me..they want you.  LOL.  riiiiiiiiight.

I had girls walking up to me giving me phone numbers to give to him.  And I thought to myself, its a good thing I’m not his girlfriend, I might be a little  But I guess they could tell we weren’t hooked up.  Oh and hey ..the bartender  was something else, so he charged Neil for all of his drinks but didn’t charge any of mine. woo! lol   (whispers- and I didn’t flirt once)

I had the best time.  I got in at about 2 or 2:30 in the morning and wasn’t really ready to come home, I got here and wanted to go back out, but as soon as I walked through the door, I began stripping down to comfort (tshirt and skivvies)  lol

I messed around online for a little bit, watched a movie and then I dozed off when the excitement wore off.

This morning at about 8am, my phone rang and rang….I answered in my sleepy hello voice and then dozed off with the phone still attached to my ear…LOL!  My mom was like…Chelle!!   I woke up ..”huh”?    She’s like, what are you doing, I said sleeping , I’ll call you back  and passed out until about 12 this afternoon. 

Now I’m wide awake and jittery thanks to coffee/cocoa and toast.  The Breakfast of Champions. some stuff I gotta do so..I’m gonna go do it and maybe venture outside my door into the artic like winds that I can hear whistling outside of my window for a few movie rentals.

See you all later!


So because the girls had a little fight.  We aren’t all going to go hang out tonight…instead, I am going to go and give my best impression of a pool player with my “just in case”.  (just in case = just in case neither of us finds marital bliss in 10 years, we’ll marry each other….yeah people still do that :p )  My just in case is Neil, but something tells me I may need to find a back up to that plan, he’s waaay too cute, intelligent and sensitive to go longer than another 2 years without being married. 

Bryce was supposed to hang out with me tonight too, but he decided he wanted to go home and die quietly.  (he’s not feeling so hot ..emotionally)  I tried to get him to talk, I even asked him if he wanted me to come over for a little while and he said no.  He needs some time alone.  So fine Neil and I are going to go play pool as soon as he gets here.

I’m just ready to get out the house, if Neil calls and cancels….then I will be going to play pool by myself.  I need freedom. 

Phase 1 of giving in to temptation begins tonight.  I will have dirty bad fun and not give a rat’s ass about who thinks what or consequences.  Cautions will be thrown to the wind, unless death is a factor then I will allow logic to intervene, but otherwise, my motto tonight …”I don’t give a shit!”

Ah….and there is my future ex husband now.  LOL  (joke)


bad news…….

Taz, my child, companion and best friend for 6 years (human) left us today at 6:43pm.  He spent the remaining hours of his life at the Bridgeton Veterinary Hospital

I came home a little later than usual, we for some reason had a little pick up in work before I I didn’t get home until a little after 3pm today. 

I walked into the house and noticed that I wasn’t greeted by Taz today and I called for him…”puppymut” and I heard a few whimpers coming from the kitchen so I walked in to see Kit sitting in a chair and Taz laying on the floor on the otherside of the table.  He wasn’t moving too much, I called for him to come to me and he tried but he couldn’t move around too much.  He was breathing very very heavy.  It scared me.  The last time that happened, I ended up taking him to the vet and thats when I found out he had heart disease and wasn’t gonna be here too long.  So I accepted the fact that Taz would be leaving us soon….then.

I went and changed my clothes really fast, got out of my heels and dress, threw on some jeans, a tshirt and some sneaks..picked all 122 lbs. of a once 145lb. dog up in my arms and walked out to my car.  We made it to the V.H. in about 10 minutes and we were seen right away.  The vet told me he had stroke like symptoms…and he didn’t seem to be responding too well the the medications they were giving him and 3 hours after we arrived, his heart ceased to function.

It’s taking me alot longer to write this post than I thought it would.  I’ve been moping around the house for a little while now.  My son had his cry and is now asleep. Before he went to bed he wrote a little story about he and his dog.  In the story he called him brother.  Yeah….that made me cry too.  I think I’ve cried more than my children combined.

What is it….why is it….  Some children are able to accept death so easily.  I fully suspect my daughter was crying because her mommie was crying but even when I sat down to explain what happened with them….they were ok.  I told them before about Taz’s condition and at that time it hit TJ pretty hard.  We knew the day would come and that it would be soon,  but even in our preparation and acceptance….it still hurts.

So now I’m sitting here, forcing myself to type as a way to release what I’m feeling with Kit sitting in my lap.  She’s been in my lap now for about an hour and every once in awhile she makes a heavy sigh, much like I’ve been doing. 

I miss my pet.

I am a bleeding heart.

Last night the temperature got down to 10 and with the windchill it was all of 1 degree outside. There are a few families of cats are living around my house and my neighbor’s house and it was just too damn cold for them to be outside.  Yeah I know they have fur and that keeps them warm, but they have kittens and their body heat can only be good for so long right?

So I, being the over sensitive animal lover that I am….went out and started my car every couple of hours just so the cats could have a little warm shelter.  Well that worked there were about maybe 2 mom’s and their babes beneath my car trying to get out of the snow..but then I thought….dammit, once sleep takes me, they’ll be stuck again, so guess what I did…..

I called my neighbor and made her feel really guilty about the cats and the kittens that live in our yards…lol  And we came up with a little plan.  

We both have gas dryers.  Our gas dryers have to ventilate up and out of our basements which means……warmth for some cats!

The heat is expelled out into the yard, for me beside my backdoor.  So I told her to wash something like a quilt, something that would need to be set on a delicate setting in the dryer because..well for my dryer, the cycle of a delicate setting lasts longer.  I pulled a couple of quilts and blankets from the closet, put them in the wash and then put them in the dryer and she did the same.  

I could see her dryer ventilator expelling the steam.   I wasn’t completely sure it was going to work, I knew that once it got cold beneath the car again they would be off in search of somewhere warmer…and I was really hoping that they would find the spot by the backdoor….the only spot in my whole yard that doesn’t have snow due to the dryer vent.  So to ease my worried mind I made sure they found that spot.  I had a few cans of tuna, which Kit was not happy about seeing me sit outside at 2 in the morning.  I opened up about 3 cans..sat them outside right beneath the vent and hoped that the heat from the dryer would send the smell wafting out toward the front of the house and that their little noses would pick it up and follow it back.

Did it work?

Yes!!  I got up to check at about 4 and there they all were all nice and piled up into one big huge multicolored fur ball.  It was the sweetest and cutest thing to see.  You could see some of the kittens hiding their little faces with their paws to keep the wind out.

All I could say was  …”awwwwwwwww”.  I was holding Kit as I looked out the door and she gave a low growl and then stopped.  The kittens maybe?  Maybe seeing them outside softened her up a little.  I don’t know.  It’s hard to tell with her.  You know I caught her grooming Tieryn (my daughter) and Taz (my dog) once.  It was so funny, Taz let her do  He figures, any attention from a woman is good attention.  Tieryn pushed her away and when she kept doing that Kit just kinda pinned her down and began licking the top of her head.   Hilarious.  I’d say she was feeling her maternal instincts.

She’s done that to me a few times..usually after showers or baths, as if I hadn’t gotten “squeaky” while in there.  I remember once, I had just left the shower and I was wrapped in a towel..the phone rang so I went to answer it.  I ended up sitting and talking for awhile with my sister and Kit walks across the couch, sits on my lap and starts sniffing my skin.  She sniffed my neck and then my face, then my arm.   I hadn’t given it any thought, I was used to Kit’s strange   She climbed up on the couch behind me, put her paw on the side of my head to push it to the side and began licking my neck.  

I was being groomed after just having recieved a shower.   I had to put the phone down and remove her from behind me.  I told her..”Look mama, I’ve already had my shower I don’t need another one.”   She meowed and I put her back into my lap, then she started licking my arm.   My sister was like maybe she really like that shower gel you used.  (Energizing Citrus- St. Ives.) Maybe or maybe she thought I wasn’t clean enough and she needed to do it herself.

She likes to watch us bathe….it fascinates her.  She sits on the edge of the tub during bathtime and almost meows orders while we take  You know what else, water doesn’t bother her.  She will take baths, when they are for her.  As far as me sticking her in the tub with me or something…nah, thats grounds for her to kick my ass.  lol

She doesn’t freak out if she accidentally slips into the tub though.  She’ll sit there for a moment and then get out.  She’s a good girl most of the time.  I wish my daughter were like that.  lol  I can give my daughter baths..but washing her hair while she’s in the bath is like torture.  If I do it and have the bathroom door open while my daughter is in the middle of a fit..Kit will come into the bathroom fussing at her. She’s even smacked tieryn with her paw while she was in the tub and that makes her calm down really quick because she thinks its funny.

All of my kids are nuts.   

I still haven’t come up with a moment in my adult life that I’ve felt empowered, I’ve been giving that some thought since I got up.  *shrugs*

Oh but I have last night’s dream to talk about.

I was checking some email that a friend sent me and in the email it said “I’ll see you in a little while and don’t forget about what we discussed.”

I read this email, grabbed my coat and left the house.  I saw a letter in my mailbox so I grabbed it on the way to my car.  I got in my car and I drove to a restaurant.  It was very nice and very warm.  I took my seat and I read this letter that I’d recieved in the mail.   While I can’t remember everything it said, I do remember a few things that stood out very well.

“You are like a disease that weakens me everytime I speak your name, there is no cure to this and I fear you will be my end.  Why did you have to come?  I can’t deal with knowing you.  You can’t be here inside….”

Thats some of what I remembered reading in that letter.  The feeling I had while reading it though….I wasn’t sad at what I was reading.  I was relieved and I smiled because I felt good after reading it.  I remember saying to myself, “finally” and then I put the letter away.  A waitress bought me some hot tea and I began staring out of the huge window I was seated next to.  I heard a voice say…”you’re early” and when I looked up to see who it was….I couldn’t.  I saw no face but I saw his body, but thats not how I knew who it was.  It was his voice.  I talked to the man with no face as if I were able to see him.  I even told him about the letter I recieved and he asked me so many questions about it that I’d begun to wonder if he were the one that sent the letter.

I went to ask him…”was it you”  and there was this huge racket.  A waitress dropped some dishes or something and it took my attention away that quick and when went back to speak with him, he was gone.  I heard another crash and then I woke up.My alarm clock was going off in my ear and I did the usual which smack the snooze button and pull the cover up over my head.  I would have been able to sleep later if Taz hadn’t have pulled my blanket off.

He was hungry. So I rolled out of bed, crawled into the kitchen and fed the animals.  Pretty frikkin typical sunday.   Sleep, dream, wake up, feed the kids (all of them), feed me, do stuff, nap (if allowed to), puter, watch movie…and whatever else happens to fall into my day.

So thats it, I’m gonna go and check some other email…say hi to a few people and then maybe plot a story.  We’ll see, if one of the muses decides to bless me with inspiration then its a done deal.


I’m listening to some Motown on Launch.  I don’t listen to it enough, since I put it on, I’ve been thinking about my granny teaching me to dance to My Girl and my uncle Sam who used to like calling me Red (because when I got mad, thats what would happen….I would turn red in the face.) letting me stand on his feet to dance with him whenever Earth Angel came on our favorite oldies station. 

Man I miss that…one of the few times I was happy as a child was when I was with my granny.  I remember when my uncle Sam would play James Brown’s 45….(thats a big black disc shaped object with a hole in the center of it called a record, used to play on a contraption called a record player for you youngins….lol)  but anyway whenver he would play James Brown…she’d shout through the house “Turn that crap off, I don’t wanna hear that man’s mouth!!”   But if it was a song she liked, like…..Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag…then it was ok.   I don’t know what it was about James Brown that rubbed her the wrong way..but he did, so knowing that, my uncle would play it purposely to get a reaction out of her, which usually resulted in being smacked in the leg with her wooden cane (that she hand carved from some oak tree in Mississippi when she visited). 

I have had the pleasure of tasting Florence’s fury ..most of the time in church…lol  Because I used to like kicking the back of the pew infront of us with my black patten leather  One whack with the cane across my calf and it stopped.  If for some reason I was being extremely percocious it meant taking a trip to the bathroom or outdoors, which I swear only happened in the summer because they used to dress me like a porcelain doll on 104 degree days and our church didn’t have air conditioning!!   Man, anytime you see a pastor in a small church not wearing his robe…then its too damn hot! 

Sometimes I would get in trouble on purpose just so we could go outside, I’d push the little boy’s head that sat infront of me all the time (neighbor’s grandson) and he’d start crying…LOL!!  What was bad about that, is we were the same age, 8 years old…why did he cry?!  I liked picking on him, it was a mutual thing..after church we’d usually end up chasing each other around the gravel parking lot when my mom decided to be nice and drive instead of walking. 

Our church wasn’t that far from our house…right up that big, huge, long frikkin hill at the end of Jefferson and Scudder.  I hated that walk, I really did.  The times  it was fun is when we stopped by the ice cream shop on the way home.  Other than that…walking to church and home was horrible.  The Bozemans…who I am now related to by marriage  Had this big mean german shepard named Butch.  Something about being young…mean animals seem like giants.  I hated that dog.  It barked for no reason…I tossed the damn thing a piece of barbecue my aunt made, she lived close to them at the time. So I thought by doing that, that mean dog would surely be nice and stop barking.

Hell no!  The beast barked and growled at me until I threw the piece of meat over the fence, he ate it and then went back to barking and growling.  Thats when I told my granny’s friend, she was convinced everything and everyone was possessed by the devil, that the Bozeman’s dog was possessed. It was kinda funny, she freaked out and went and said a prayer over the dog…I laughed so hard, I nearly fell over.  The dog was just mean for no good reason.  I personally think he needed a woman, but thats just me.

When I got to be about 12 and walked that way to visit my friends ..that dog didn’t seem nearly as mean.  I would walk close to the fence and it would back away.  Funny.  That became so of alot of things and people that I feared.  I got older and I began to see them for what they really were.  Big mean wind bags that liked to threaten those who were weaker…or they were just shadows, that looked disfigured in your state of fear and panic but once I actually dissected them or shone a light on them, they weren’t so big and bad anymore and they disappeared.

The feeling of empowerment you get when you face a fear.  You don’t have to have it defeated, the act of standing up to it alone boosts your self esteem enough to help you get to a point of kicking the crap out of whatever fear you have.

The first time I back talked my father…it was a big deal for me.  I had to be about 10 years old and I remember I was having the shittiest day a kid could have.  My best friend went to stay with her grandparents for the whole summer and my mom didn’t tell me til she was gone, my little pink huffy got ran over by my visiting aunt who was always drunk..I think fumes of alcohol made her drunk..*shakes my head*, my beagle ran away two days earlier and I still hadn’t found her and…….my sister was using my little Hello Kitty journal as her own little personal coloring book.  My father bumped into me as I was exiting my room and he was going to the bathroom…he said “Excuse yourself” and I said..”you’re excused”….he said “what did you just say”  and I said “You heard me.”

He did a double take, fell silent for a moment and began yelling at me about respect and how back talk wouldn’t be tolerated (I made him give that speech everyday for the next 7 years..sometimes twice a day.) and that I would learn my place as a child. Usually followed with physical discipline.  You know what freaks parents out….when your child no longer fears the spanking.  When they no longer react to you saying “you’re gonna get a spanking” and when they no longer cry after having recieved a spanking.  It freaks them out.  Immunity to spankings was indeed my super power.  Beatings were a different  story.

That bothered my father a whole lot.  The “little demon child” he so lovingly called me wasn’t scared of spankings anymore.  Didn’t cry, didn’t flinch and once even asked that he hurry up.  That pissed him off, so we went about new ways of making me produce tears. 

Well…ya know how it goes…..when your job becomes obsolete, you either learn new methods or succumb to replacement.  The 10 year old couldn’t win.  He wouldn’t have it. 

I have often imagined pictures of our relationship to look like pictures of the opposing teams in the Super Bowl.  One side you have this Ram with curled back lips butting horns with a snarling Raider’s helmet.  Something like that. 

This was the task given to me by my therapist. “Recall a moment in time when I was younger that I felt empowered and then recall a moment in the present that I felt the same.”

I have to give the second one some more thought.  Its not that I have many too choose from, the problem is….there are too few.  So I’ll give it some thought while I sip on some hot cocoa, eat an oatmeal raisin cookie and stare into the falling snow outside of my window.

I’ll edit this post should I come up with something.