The driver got out to survey the damage done to the car he rear-ended. The dark passenger that sat next to her also stepped out of the car to try to diffuse the situation.

It was her chance to escape…she wriggled the rope around her hands quickly until she began to feel them loosen and then slid her hand through the small opening until it was free. She quickly released her ankles all the while cautiously looking through the front windshield to make sure she went unnoticed.

The accident and the rain provided her with the perfect opportunity to escape. Carefully, she opened the car door and slid out into the street, careful not to make any noise, she pushed the door so that it appeared to be closed then inched toward the back of the car on her hands and knees.

Her body trembled as the now cold hard rain beat against her back. She saw a truck moving up the road and decided to use the noise from its passing to cover the sound of her footsteps. As the truck passed, she ran behind it and into the darkness of an alley on the other side of the street. She ran and didn’t look back – she needed to go somewhere safe and she didn’t stop until she thought she found that place.


Life is ok….well lemme change that – life is good …today.  Maybe later in the week, I can say – life is wonderful.

I’m feeling pretty good about us and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.  But I have had alot of things floating through this messed up head of mine.

I’ll save that for another post – to come soon.  Another purging – its been awhile since I’ve done one of those.  I may have to do that at LJ though.

We’ll see.


She sat in the back of the navy blue sedan, bound at wrist and ankle with nylon rope. A blindfold of black satin covered her eyes to conceal the identity of her abductor, he had no intention of letting her know where she was going or who he was. Her breasts heaved from the heavy breaths she took in the midst of her panic and fear, she had never met this man before and had no clue what his intentions were.

“Don’t worry my dear, I promise you’ll love what’s in store for you.”

The woman trembled at his words and even moreso when she felt the cold leather of his glove move up the bare skin of her thigh toward her skirt. She shook her leg to show her disapproval but it didn’t stop him. His hand slowly moved along the inside of her thigh causing her to release a small scream, she wished he would stop and he did.

The car slid to a holt, throwing all of its passengers forward. The woman bounced off the back of the driver’s seat and with that her blindfold was released….not only could she see what part of the city they were in, but she was also able to see her abductor with clarity.


I promise I’ll post something more by friday.


She heard her name called and turned toward the raspy male voice. Her eyes grew wide as the dark image of a man approached her. “What’s a pretty girl like you doing out all alone on a night like this?” The woman moved away from the lamppost as he drew nearer to her. With a sudden sweeping motion of his body, his overcoat billowed like dark wings behind him and he muffled her screams by placing a leather-gloved hand over her crimson lips.

Her beau had arrived at their appointed destination only to find that she was not there. He called out to her but there was no response. Thinking that she had grown tired of waiting in the cool misty rain, he pouted in his sadness and turned to walk back towards his car when he discovered a small business card attached to the lamppost…it read:

Pendragon Palace

93 Caliburnus Point

Suite 1011

And in small handwritten script: You’ve lost something and I’ve found it, for retrieval you know what to do.

He gazed at the card in complete horror, he felt responsible for her abduction and feared what may be happening to her. Quickly, he ran to his car and drove to the address – he couldn’t let harm come to her. As he drove, he whispered into the quiet of his now speeding vehicle…”midnight”


I don’t have too much to say tonight – except for, I’m bummed – but HOPEFULLY thursday I won’t be. 



“Meet me there at midnight” and he would do exactly as she instructed, he couldn’t wait to see her. He grew quite fond of their meetings and she always picked the best places for their secret sessions, all he had to do now was calm down enough to drive to the location she chose.

Beneath the lamp surrounded by the park’s various bushes and trees she stood in the light mist of rain …waiting. The rain rolled with ease down the black plastic of her ¾ length raincoat. Her hair began to wave at the night’s moisture then began to stick to her face and neck. Tiny droplets of water fell from the sky and onto the purple passion color of her toenails through her open toed strappy stilettos. She knew that their meeting like this was crazy and even dangerous – but she didn’t care…..

It was midnight.


(call the above a little treat to span over the next couple of days…..its something that will help me with my inspiration shortage)



has been strange.  My car is in the shop and I have been promised that I will have it tomorrow.  I talked with Neil today and am glad that I was finally able to catch him.  Phone tag and relay ….does nothing for the nerves.  Talked to Bryce today too, which ironically enough also did nothing for my nerves.  Its a sad. crazy sordid sob story of a mess that I wish not to recall.  I’ll just say that Bryce has asked for the chance to prove himself and we’ll leave it at that.

So amyway, Neil and I are gonna hang out for a little while tomorrow…I get to hear in detail about this trip he just went on.  I’m looking forward to that.

Other than that..not too much is happening.  I’m handcrafting a pillow for my bed – the second pillow actually, I finished the first one already.

And as far as I can tell….the previous post was recieved very well. Lovely.

Well, I’m gonna entertain myself with a bowl of ice cream and sugared strawberries.  I may return…


Slowly she ran her hands beneath his shirt and up his chest, his breathing staggered while he looked into her hungry brown eyes

– is this really what she wanted, right here, right now?!

He thought to tell her to stop but he couldn’t, the pounding of his heart in his ears quickly drowned his thoughts out

– really, right here, right now?!

The lightness of her touch felt like feathers playing across the sensitive areas of his skin, he closed his eyes in an effort to regain his composure but found himself lost in her tortures

– right here, right now.

Her lips glistened in the glow of the moon as they whispered a quiet infliction upon his ears, he felt his knees along with his strength waver

– here and now

Into the shadow they disappeared, only the sounds of the soft sucking of his lips and the movements of his hands over the sheer fabric of her dress could be heard.

– right then and there


A trifle bit inspired by song. My incredible weakness…3 letters, middle letter e. And of course the majority of you would guess wrong. Not sex, men…though, I have to say, sex is a runner up. I was asked what I liked about a certain someone tonight and I rattled off a small list of likable/lovable things about this person but I left some things out. (Some were intentionally left out)

So to finish that conversation with that person in particular, I’ve made two lists –

the things I hate about him and the things I love about him.


~ The Things I hate about him ~

-I hate that he thinks no one wants him and I hate how he devalues himself, believing that he will never have better than what he’s used to

-I hate that his self-confidence is low and that he doesn’t realize his strengths and all the things that are good in him.

-I hate that he’s depressed and when he’s depressed he disappears into himself making it hard to reach him because he wants nothing to do with anyone

-I hate that he’s losing his passion for the things that he loves and mean the most to him.

-I hate that he feels alone and lonely.

-I hate that he thinks women are more concerned with his appearance than with the person he is.

-I hate that he feels he can’t speak his mind and his heart without apologizing.

-I hate that he has felt and feels pain and yearns for things in his life that he has every right to have.

~ The things I love about him~

-I love his cynicism and his smart assed mouth, it gives him the right amount of “bite”.

-I love that he’s gifted and doesn’t brag on his talents.

-I love that whenever anyone needs his help – they get it without question.

-I love the sound of his voice.

-I love to hear him laugh.

-I love that he humors me – even when it seems ridiculous to him.

-I love that he has become someone I can trust, value and share very deep and personal things with.

-I love that he’s funny and can lift my spirits without trying that hard most times.

-I love that he has experienced the joys and pains (it seems like more pain than joy) of life and is willing to keep living to experience more.


Small lists they are, but with a huge amount of meaning.

I find myself wide-awake on a Friday night, without a single date or phone call to take my attention away from this computer. My children have abandoned me for the warmth and comfort of their beds, my cat has taken her place in the center of my bed and here I sit in this chair with one candle lit and a glass of some pretty good wine.

Will tomorrow hold adventure for me (other than sneezing my life away), with any luck it will. Who knows – I may be pleasantly surprised tomorrow (*crosses fingers*). I’m digging my set up here, I feel just as relaxed as the woman in the small pool of water. She makes me want to soak in a hot tub, maybe sometime soon I’ll have that opportunity. Until then, I’ll just sit with envy.



Well..yeah its new.   I like it and I think its tasteful..but it may change too..but we’ll see.

So I’m on pins and needles, my son had some tests run today and we won’t get the results back til tomorrow morning, so I will be calling promptly at 10am.  He seems ok today, you know kids, you can provide them with a few good distractions and they’re good for a little while. 

His distraction at the moment is  …Good Burger.   AGAIN.  But its cool, he’s laughing and I love his laughter.  My phone has a few hundred messages on it, all from one number (guess who).    I’m done talking but this is getting ridiculous.  I guess I really have no choice, I have no intention of changing my phone number so the next time we talk, he will have to apply himself in order to understand.

Other than that..all is good, I’ve been working on window treatments for my bedroom and I must say..that I love the way they are turning out.  I guess when I have more to say I will update. 

so until then..


So I’m trying out a new look to see if I like it ..and I don’t know – reminds me too much of the barbie crap my daughter has …so it may not be here for too long. 

Actually…what I would like to put on this page is gonna require some doing and may be offensive to some (would be picks of the female form……unclothed) but tasteful, very tasteful.  Nothing once I get the pics I have resized to where they would fit on the screen without looking too crazy then all will be well.

I must thank Erika as sarcastically as I possibly can for her input, words and caring earlier and again an hour ago. 

Nothing says love like your best friend calling you a whore. 

But  IS O–KAY (scarface reference).  Being whore would require me sharing myself with any and every man I meet which I don’t do.  Yes, I happen to be selective about that.  I’m not even gonna waste the time to get mad about it though, I just realize I may have chosen the wrong person to talk to about said issue and will have to be a bit more careful next time.

Its 3am and I can’t sleep…mainly because I’m a little bit worried, hopefully the worrying will cease later this morning (at least I hope so).  I guess I better try to get some sleep, I have to take my son to the doctor tomorrow to find out whats going on with him.

Anyway..I’m sure I’ll be back later today.


Song: I Hate You

Artist: Prince

Today has been a serious challenge for me. 

My son got sick at school, which is why I am at home right now..but since I woke up this morning, I’ve been dealing with this issue of mine.

It’s become part of the conversations and things to check on whenever I go to my therapist visits.  Today its just really hard to deal with.

I know I’m talking in code…its just all of the times I’ve talked about this, people either assume I’m joking (and I do half the time) or well..its uncomfortable for some.

I just don’t know what to do about it anymore.  At times its crippling because I can’t do whatever it is I am doing at the time when it happens, sometimes its a nuisance – in that it refuses to go away and keeps happening, and other times…

like today..nothing I do helps it, it makes it worse.  I guess I shouldn’t complain, there are people that have to take medication to have what I’m experiencing, some even have operations.  I would just like for it to calm down. I don’t want it to go away ..but just….let me breathe.

I could take care of it but….I don’t know.  I guess you get to a point in life where you want meaning in the things you  do and share.  Even though some of the things you experience are impulsive or animalistic I would rather just…have some meaning in it.

Yes it consumes me and sometimes I like that it does. But when your friends start referring to you in derogatory ways because you have a certain feeling all the time, well then its a problem.  Its a problem that they would say such things and its a problem that I don’t have as many breaks in between.

I don’t mind that it happens, I would just like to be able to think about other things than  IT.

Mind over matter….I wish that were so.

I’m kinda bored, I wanted to take a nap because I was tired but now I can’t even nap.  And inspiration to work on my writing is at the moment on vacation.

Updates then..

Its as official as a celebrity divorce on a rainy saturday in L.A.  No more Bryce, we are now and will be until whenever work associates.  Alot of drama happened over the weekend and is still happening…in the form of phone calls. voice mails and emails …and I’ve decided I can’t deal with it anymore.  Its more stress than I need and he has turned into a complete psycho.  As far as I’m concerned, I’ve said and heard all I needed to say and hear.

My buddy is out of town at the moment so that leaves me feeling just a little bit lonely.  lol  I’ve just been bored out of mind today and tired today, so I’ve entertained myself with my puter and movies today.

My leg is doing better.  Just a lot of soreness now, I’m not gonna do any extensive walking for awhile, which field days for me for a little bit and because I won’t have field days, I won’t have any super early days either.  I guess thats a good thing.

My life is changing, not only do I see it..but I feel it as well.  Its kinda strange, I feel myself leaning in a much different direction that what I’ve been going and I don’t know if I like it but I’ll go along with it.  Its never too late for one to mature (again) I guess. 

I’ve been thinking differently about the things in my life, the people…my views on certain issues …even men.  I’m not gonna swear off men, I’m too weak for that..I know where my strengths lie and men isn’t one of them, so rather than give them up, I’m going to …..

refine my tastes.  This doesn’t mean discriminate against certain individuals ..but it does mean that I am going to be a whole lot more careful in my choices.  I feel like I just keep handing over my whole unprotected heart to people only to have them kill it or throw it back at me.  I have to be a bit more protective of something so precious.  I mean, I in general have a love for all people.  Seriously, all anyone has to do with me is ask and I’ll do my best to provide them with what they need, that was just the way I was raised.  But this thing and the situations with men…

Something’s gotta change, alot stuff that I’m doing is getting me nowhere.  Call me weak but I guess I just need to step back for a little bit.  This situation came about with Neil and I found myself completely disoriented.  I have a different feeling about him and towards him than I did about Bryce or even my ex but its kinda on the same level of what I felt for my ex…does that make sense?

I’m protective of all my friends…male or female, someone says or does something stupid to one of them and I’m all over the offender. Of course I don’t go picking fights, but I stand up for them. I just don’t like the fact that it has come to that, that I had to do it because of another person’s jealousy.  Adults….behaving like children.  I am so disappointed in Bryce, I haven’t felt this much disgust since I was married.

Why does it have to be so hard with some guys?  The easiest thing in the world one can do is respect the another person…so why is that so hard for some to do?  I realize that its not all guys…and women do it to…but I’m speaking about men now.  Why is it so hard or frightening to just let a woman know what it is you are really feeling?  It can’t be rejection, especially if you grew with alot of women in your family, have very good female friends or a female sibling. ….it can’t be rejection if your credit is more screwed than you are. ……it can’t be rejection if you have lived through and survived high school, there is no way a guy should still fear rejection and yet ….they do.

WHY?!  Man…..if half the guys that I’ve had conversations with over the past 2 weeks just told, flat out told said female with whom they are infatuated with what they think and feel about them…I GUARAN DAMN TEEE that they will all be happy.  Even if a relationship doesn’t come out of it, they’ll be happy because they conqured what seems to be a serious fear.

Why are guys soooo afraid of women?  What in the hell can we do to you that your males friends can’t?  If I were a guy, I would seriously fear my male friends more…especially when alcohol is involved.  I don’t understand all of this fear that men have of women.  Is it something that has been embedded into the male mind at a young age… and grandma = women everywhere, so if you are unable to please your mom or grandmother, the fear of not pleasing woman as whole is set??

Get outta here!   Ok….well, I agree with this one thing, the way a mother interacts with her son will ultimately determine the way he interacts with women.  So if you are respectful of the very first love of your life (your mother) that is a behavior that will be present throughout the rest of your life.  I believe that.  I have seen men who treat their mothers like shit and do the same with the women they date.  Of course it starts at home, every behavior a child picks up, every quirk, philosophy or belief starts at home first, as they grow up they either strengthen what they’ve learned or been taught or …..they replace it with new knowledge and beliefs (which isn’t a bad thing at all).

I guess I am just wanting some answers for some of the male behaviors I’ve seen.  I have been looking at a full spectrum of men for some time now. 

I know men that are just…….sweet as can be. Respectful, loving and would bend over backwards to make their interests happy and yet…women seem to not want these guys.

I know men that *Hate* women, with a passion……and get all the damn girls in the world, falling at their feet, pursuing them! 

I know men that are sooo very shy that they dare not even speak to a woman because they are afraid that she won’t respond and these very same women…literally chase these men.  (strong silent type)

I know men that are confident in their abilities to fulfill a woman’s needs and yet women won’t touch them because to them, they come off as overly cocky, arrogant and conceited.

I even know of men that just don’t care and go with the attitude of whatever happens…happens and these are the men that women will also over look because to them, this type of guy seems not to have a goal in life.  He seems unstable to them.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  The have their priorities right and they know enough not to stress over a future that is uncertain and changes everyday.  They have plans and they know what they want…but they won’t stressout over what they can’t see.

You know after reading what I just wrote….if I were a guy, I’d give up too.  Women are nuts…we are fucking nuts.  We want what is sure to do us damage and hurt us, rather than what we know will keep us happy, what will be good for us and what in the long run is the right choice. 

For that purpose, I have always recommended that men and women alike date actively.  I think people have the purpose of dating all confused. 

Playing the Field, Dating, Courtship, Gentleman Calling whatever you want to call it is done for the purposes of finding the one with whom you’d be comfortable spending the rest of your life with.  The best thing I can recommend is for people to “serial date”  …make no commitments to one until you are sure that is the person you want to be with.  Let it be known that you are “serial dating”, this serves 2 purposes for you…you have released yourself from any assumed commitment that might be made and …you have given the cue to the person you are dating that they may need to step it up if they want you.  It works for both males and females.

All dates don’t have to end with kisses or sex…as a matter of fact, you are alot safer emotionally and physically if you don’t kiss or sex the first, second or third date.   However, if thats what you want…..

Becareful, dating isn’t just about you…..its about everyone you come in contact with so be smart.  Honestly, there is nothing wrong with “playing the field” as long as you let the one in your company know that, that is what you are doing.  Women will only resent you if they feel you have lied to them, led them on or purposely hidden something they needed to know from them.

Have no fear!  Don’t fear her, she is just a girl or woman.  Sure she’s pretty, she smells nice, she exudes loads of confidence and sexiness and when she walks you feel as though you are going to faint but remember…

before she put on all that make up, those pretty clothes and that intoxicating perfume…she was a plain girl sitting in her bathroom trying not to vomit from her nervousness of being out with a guy that she likes (because if she didn’t like you, she wouldn’t have accepted your invitation). Without all of her womanly embellishments, she’s just a woman wanting affection and companionship just as much as you do.

Have confidence in yourself, that you can make said woman happy should you choose to do so.  Be confident in your manhood and in your abilities to show a woman a good time. There is no pressure.  Just date…make a friend or two or 10..its ok.  Honestly…you should start worrying about relationships until your 50th Wedding Anniversary rolls around  because by then, you will have given her everything you could have possibly given her…, respect, fidelity, children, grandchildren, hopes, goals that you’ve both met together ..a wonderful life…..seriously your 50th Anniversary is when you should worry…she has everything she’s ever wanted, So what gift can you possibly give her that will get the “wow” factor out of her. 

Worry then…..don’t worry now.  Dating is the easy part, being in a relationship is a breeze….its marriage and its longevity thats gonna mess with ya, but if you two are right for each other…it won’t be a problem. 

Just so everyone knows…problems don’t magically disappear when you get married. Sure you don’t have to deal with dating anymore..but you do have to maintain a relationship and ensure its livlihood.  All of those wonderful things that you do while dating, NEED to continue after you marry her….for the rest of your lives together.  Communication needs to be constant and your willingness to understand the other is a must or else….you’re doomed.

For now though…..have fun, date, get to know more about the opposite sex as you do.  Find out what women respond to and why, learn how to achieve the “wow” factor for them.  Take the time that you date to learn about how you interact with the opposite sex and how they interact with you.  You shouldn’t fear or dread dating.  You shouldn’t look at it as a job or a mission either.  Those things tend to scare women off.  Just be natural.  Take her out, show her a nice time, show her what being with you is like..give her a little taste and she will then let you know if she wants more.

So what if she declines a second date…that just leaves room for the one that you are compatible with to have an entry.  In a world as big as this……in all honesty, there can’t be just ONE person for you.   There can be the one that you will choose love and hopefully suceede in loving for the rest of your life …but there is no just ONE person out there.  Thats a depressing thought actually.  The one for me could die in a train wreck tomorrow and then I’m stuck by myself forever…no. I think that there is more than one person out there, there has to be and I refuse to believe otherwise.

In the words of Jamie Heineman.. “I reject your reality and replace it with my own!”  😛

But seriously, I believe that because….I know I was in love with my ex and believed him to be the ONE for me.  Things went horribly wrong, so does that mean that I’m going to be without a mate because of a divorce.  I don’t think so, I think there are at least maybe 5 other people out there that I know I would be happy with and when the time is right, something will be done about it.

Friendships serve more than one purpose…so while you are out looking all over the earth and planet for Ms. or Mr. Right…try looking at the girl sitting next to you that has grown up with you and has already shared much of your life with you.  Or the friend you made in high school or college that hasn’t left your side, takes your shit and dishes it back out to ya with a healthy side of “kiss her ass”, or maybe….the girl that you walk by everyday, she says say and keep walking while she congratulates herself on speaking at least one word to you because she has the biggest frikkin crush on you.

Pay attention to your surroundings and the people in them, you might surprise yourself.

later guys.