“Territoreality…he was mine first.” – Clerks


I’m tired….its the rain.  I’m too relaxed which isn’t a bad thing but its making me very lazy right now.  Maybe I should just go with it.


Today was ok. No strangeness, talked to Erika, ran an errand for my mom, witness idiots who forget how to drive when  a few dark clouds appear.  It was ok..Oh and I got some attitude from the FedEx automated recording lady because I failed to say the title of what I wanted correctly..lol


1-800- GO-FEDEX…screw up the title for FEDEX – Kinkos Office and  Print Center.  Just leave out a word in the title ….she gets an attitude, corrects you, THEN tells you to say the title the correct way..LOL


I had a good laugh at that, ..it was pretty damn funny.  If the damn recording knew thats what I wanted ..then why didn’t it just connect me?  lol. Funny, even the machine are being smart asses.


Baseball game is rained out. Kinda upset about that – but I’ll be ok.  I’ll have to do something to fight back the withdrawl I’m experiencing. 


Good news –


I made a new friend.  And he is sooooooo cute.  He has hazel eyes, brown hair and its messy, the cutest frikkin dimples.  He’s a charmer and very polite.  He’s missing some teeth too but that just makes him even more adorable.  He’s about 3 and half feet tall, his name is Donovan and he’s great.  lol  He’s a comedian too, I didn’t think comedians came in that height but I found out that they do.   Anyway, he helped me – he was my visual aid today.  I read the book Chicken Little to his class and he performed the actions of all the characters..none of the other kids wanted to participate so my new friend did them all – that is the coolest kid ever!


I gave him badges.  Originally, any child that participates in the story gets a badge….but since he was the only one, I had to stick the badges all over his little body.  His nose, his head, his ear, his elbow..just odd places..kids like crazy crap like that- they ate it up.  We had fun today in Ms. Francise’s class.  Kindergartners are cool.  They are nuts and even a little scary at times ( I know because I’ve been around alot of them) but this class was surprisingly tame today.


It shocked me.  It was great.  I was wearing a pair of cargo jeans ..with the little carpenters hammer loop on the side and he held on to it the whole time I was there.  He helped me hand out cupcakes and pass out the juice then he served me a cupcake and a drink- such a gentleman.  I wish more men were like him.  lol


Anyway, my day was cool.  I think I’m gonna go play to keep myself from going to sleep too early tonight.


later


 


 

Edited: continued


I had so much on mind this morniing when I peeled myself from bed. 


A few things I must face about myself:


– I am a sexual creature, its a part of me, its part of what makes me ..me.  I love sensuality..not porn but eroticism.


– I love men, men are my weakness and because they are – I am subject to pain.


– I need people.  I need friends, family…I need humans.  I crave companionship, which is probably why I am having the issues I have now.  I’m challenging myself to have a friendship with men and not think of them in a sexual way – of course I fail everytime because anyone of interest to me winds up being thought about in that way.  I don’t know..I guess I do it that out of curiosity.  If I and this person were to have a relationship, if we found ourselves at that point where lovemaking is possible..what would it be like?


– I can’t change the way my brain is wired and I don’t really think I want to.  Marriage did some things to and for me.  I have experienced love and pain..I have experience worry and anger…hate. I know what its like to go to sleep next to someone everynight and wake up next to them every morning.  I know what it feels like to make love, <b>to be love for someone</b> and to have love. And after having those things for years out of your life and them have them taken away…you miss them.   Yes even the sexual part of your relationship. 


I never understood why some people would assume that a divorced man/woman or a widow would never want to experience that again.  Why wouldn’t they?  It was so much a part of their lives…it’s intimacy, its natural and its a necessity. 


Maybe its just my thinking.


-I have wants that coincide with my needs. I want people in my life that will accept me as I am, my thoughts, my beliefs, my actions.  I want to know that I won’t be treated differently because of what they know about me, what I believe if its different from their beliefs and the things I have experienced.  I want that, I need that.  I don’t want someone to smile in my face when I’m around them and then as soon as I leave they are talking bad about me.  That’s not true and its not real.


~~~~~~~~


and on more of a personal note.


In my silence one afternoon last week, I gave something up because I could no longer deal with it and it put my mind at ease.  I felt better and my strength was renewed and just as the optimism that had fled me began to resettle itself in my depths…..the “enemy” appeared.


These past few months he’s been feeding me horrible images and giving me self defeating thoughts.  “No, man is going to want a woman with 2 kids…you are used, you’re trash and you don’t deserve anything good.”  I believed that and I began to slip.  I talked to someone (zbp) and I swear….the next day a change was made. I felt better, I felt confident that I could get through my existence.  Its been a rough go but that is to be expected in life.  So he lost…because I was able to pick myself up.


Last night…..  I ventured into a chat room, looking for a little fun and to see if I knew anyone in the rooms because its forever since I’ve been in any chatroom.  I went to the st. louis chats and  guess who was waiting to take full advantage. But this time..he wasn’t subtle with it.  Not like he was before, before he fed me all the things I wanted hear, I the things he thought I needed to feel and he supplied me with a false hope and a false feeling.  Last night was as obvious as it gets.  I faced my personal demon head on and I have to say, I nearly lost.


Its funny how people justify doing something they know isn’t right to be able to carry out said plan or action and I’ve done it many times over, almost did it last night.  It started as talk, as it always does..in certain chatrooms  you are pretty much greatful that someone has taken enough of a liking to hold a conversation.  The conversation began with a series of witty comments, then it progressed to the get to know…what do you do, where do you live.  And then the strange occurred and it was just strange to me, I doubt it would have been strange to anyone else.  Every interest I have, this man has, everything that I like to do in recreation – he liked to do.  Mind you, he gave his list of things first..and when I read it – I couldn’t believe my eyes,  I said to myself – “get the hell outta here, this never happens, I never meet people with so many things in common”, he asked me my birthday…and would you believe  he is a gemini too and happens to share the same birthday as my best friend.  I thought, cool ..no one understands a gemini like another gemini. 


We talked about our lives and he said almost immediately – “I can be that for you.”  I was shocked, he didn’t know me and I didn’t know him.  Why would he say he could be that for me, he doesn’t know that for certain.  “You are everything I’m looking for and I would be a fool to let you get away, this was fate.”  Sure the fates are strange creatures and have been known to do off the wall things for the security of ones future occurrences but this….. this wasn’t them.


“I’d be a fool to let this opportunity pass, you are everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman, you have to give me a change..please, I know I could be what you need….will you call me?” He knew all this after talking with me for 2 hours. He quoted some of writing via IM….and to pull me in further, mentioned that he writes poetry.  “Will you please call me, I want to talk to you.”  What did I do….something stupid as usual. 


He gave me his phone number and I called him.  He doesn’t sound like a stalker, I thought.  But what does a stalker sound like?  He doesn’t sound like a serial killer or mass murder or rapist…as if they all have a distinctive voice.  He voice was perfectly normal, attractive even.  We talked about his love for horror films, vampires and erotica.  He writes vampiric erotica.  He loves Stephen King and Anne Rice..one of his favorite movies is The 5th Element and I thought…how is this possible?  He’s a published author, with Noblehouse…(I’m sure you all know that these were the people that turned down The Harry Potter series). 


My ears began to twinge…something was starting not to sound right.  The conversation continued…he would never hurt me or any woman because he doesn’t believe in that.  He’s had bad relationships..he was used by women and doesn’t want to go through it again (yet and still he’s all but too willing to blindly jump into something with a complete stranger ..”I feel like we’ve met before.”).  He asked me if I believe in God and I said yes..his answer “ok”.  I was thinking there would be more that subject but it ended as quickly as it started.  We went on to talk about the things he’s done with his like and what he’s into now:


A practicing Wiccan who has dabbled in the dark a few times but has devoted his life to the Light.  He used spells to make himself appealing to others so that he would have friends.


Blood…he used to drink it and had friends supply it to him for him to drink then stopped because he felt it wrong to take another’s life essence “What right did I have to do that..none so I stopped.”


Vampires …he has a darkside that very much mirrors a vampire and is sexually driven.  In sexual situations he’s been known to scratch and bite until someone bled and then…licked their wounds. (drink their blood)


If something in my head didn’t click …it was completely audible to me as if I had raised my hand to my ear and snapped my fingers.  I repeated the last part.”So you…drank this person’s blood.”  “Yes and they drank mine.”


……  The hands that belong to the little voice, that I’ve gagged and put into a small closet in the back of my mind began banging on the door for me to open it up and listen to him and I did almost immediately. 


DECHELLE DO NOT  GO ANY FURTHER WITH THIS…STOP NOW.


Audible…as if the person that owned that voice was seated next to me. “I am so happy to have found someone that shares in all the same interests that I have…can we meet tonight, I have a place for us to go if we can.”


My mind began to focus and right then I knew …I knew. 


me in thought:  you sneaky son of a bitch.


“No, we can’t meet and I actually need to get going…its late and I have to get my kids to bed.”


His voice changed a little…I shook when I heard it.  “Aww..well go and take care of your little children, I will be on tomorrow..I can’t wait to talk to you again.”   I bid him a goodnight.  But it didn’t stop there….. no it didn’t stop there. 


Battles with personal demons are 40% mental and 60% spiritual and I was sick. 


I got off of the phone and sat on my couch for awhile, shaking off the goosebumps I had.  It didn’t bother me that the guy was a wiccan – I have a few friends that are into it….we live in a diverse world and people do and practice many different things, I didn’t care.  But what did bother me was that – he’s drank human blood.  Doesn’t that border on the side of cannibalism?  I don’t know and knowing that gave me the willies yet…..made me curious.


Part of me wanted to call him back and ask him more about that, not that I want or wanted to try it, but I wondered why someone would.  Talk about acquired tastes…geez.  But my curiosity was oddly strong, I wanted to talk to this person again and was at total conflict with myself because that little voice kept saying ..no, don’t do it.  Now it could have just been that I was freaked out by what this guy told me about himself but damn it, I had questions and wanted answers.


I began trying to justify calling him….its just a phone call, its not like I’m gonna meet the guy…..I can handle a phone call…..there’s nothing wrong with being curious. So I reached for the phone then quickly withdrew my hand at a question that popped in…..why do you need to know?  What do you care, just stop and go doing something to occupy yourself and your time.  So there I sat arguing with myself – mentally and damn if I the series of last thoughts didn’t end the debate.


Chelle….you could call him, find out about his life and ….witness to him – but the sound of it was soooo…..slick, ya know.  And I thought…..wait a minute, as good as that sounds, I’m not strong enough for that.  I know I’m not strong enough for that.  I’ve SEEN people do this with someone deep in the occult and begin to question and/or completely deny their faith.  Another thought came….It is a good way to find out more about him and you do remember the last time you did this – you were successful, why wouldn’t you be now.


Then the loud one came – YOU WILL NOT DO THIS – I FORBID IT.


Seriously, I sat on the couch and asked myself,  Was that me, was that my thought?  I tested it…because I’m stupid and when I picked up the phone and put it to my ear, my mother was on the other line…  “Girl, did you let the phone ring once before you picked it up.”  I startled.  “Mom?!?!”  “Yes…I was calling to see if you would bring me that book, the one you just bought.”  I was puzzled because I had no frikkin idea what the hell she was talking about.  “You have two other books by the guy…Dan somebody..”  Feeling an invisible slap at the back of my head. “Oh ..Dan Brown……….(looked over at my bookshelf and fell silent for a moment)……Deception Point.”  “Yeah..that’s it!”  Now quiet, I answered – “ok mom”.  And being the parent – “Everything ok?” “I’m fine mom, thanks.”  “For what?”  (makes the noise of I don’t know)  “Well go write something, take your mind of your trouble.”


Now why would she say that?  Cuz she knows that writing is one of my escapes.  So I did, I went to occupy myself.  Though my curiosity isn’t completely dissipated..I’m ok, I did some stuff.  I got a message a bit earlier from him, he wants to discuss some writings – fine.  I have no problem with a messenger conversation, I just don’t need to call him and I have taken care of that as well.  The phone number has been convieniently misplaced in the flame of a candle.


Like I said, I have no problem with people or their beliefs but that was just soo hard for me to get away from for some reason.  I don’t know…just a strange ordeal for me. 


I’ve got some stuff to get done for now, if I feel the need I will return.


later

“Don’t think about it boy leave her alone….you ain’t no G.”  haha!   Justin Timberlake and Snoop Dogg can life get anymore strange?


Its friday.  I’m in good spirits now after having a crazy ass conversation with some people in a conference chat – all of whom are at work and apparently WANT to get fired for chatting.  But if their jobs are cool with it…why not. I guess.


I want to get out of the house tonight but the weather in St. Louis is psychotic.  So my plans for fun may be on hold.  I wanna hang out with Erika, I wonder what she’s doing tonight.  I need some excitement, after last night – I’m ready.


I just want to surround myself in good people ..good as in good for me.  They can be evil as hell as long as I like them..lol  I left a message at someone’s flooble (xanga) for them to make me some brownies, he’s gonna say no ..but I like asking in the hopes that one day – I may actually get some brownies out of him  …..haha – it could happen.


As a matter of fact, I think I am gonna pettition everyone I know for some brownies to see who will say ok, make them and actually send them to me.  If they do – I will send them a batch of the best damn Peanut Butter Cookies they have ever tasted – HOMEMADE.


oh.ummm I just ask that if anyone does send me brownies, that they not poison them…even though my life sucks, I would still like to live it for the sake of my kids.


So I am gonna go and brainstorm on a few stories (the one I started here, the one at the forum and some other junk.). 


later


(  thanks for last night sweetie, I needed that.)

My children are nuts.


So ..one gets up this morning and runs through the house screaming – “where’s my shoe..where’s my shoe, I’m gonna be late..!!!”  I’m standing in the kitchen with my cup of coffee (which I rarely drink in the morning) watching the boy run and back and forth between his room, the living room and the bathroom.  His sister comes around the corner and is nearly ran over by her brother who is in a full panic, I pulled her back so she wouldn’t get knocked down.


Now munchkin must have woke up on the wrong side of the bed because when he ran back through he brushed up against her.  My daughter was standing with her arms full of a big bunny rabbit dressed in pink pajamas – she throws the rabbit down and goes to attack her brother.


Tj. came around the corner and she leapt at him, knocking him to the floor and proceeded to slap him about his fat little cheeks.  She is sitting on his chest..slapping the boy in the face with her little hands.  I stood there with my cup of coffee then TJ yells “Midget! Stop smacking me and help me find my shoe.”  Tieryn stops in mid slap..looks at  her brother, smacks one more time then says “Ok, I find the shoe.”    They both get up and run through the house looking for his shoe.  I turn around with my coffee in hand and go to the sink.  I leaned against the counter top then looked down at the floor to see, my son’s backpack and his other red & white nike next to it. 


School starts at 8:45..it was only 7:40.


They are nuts. Nothing going on today – it’s pretty quiet.  Bryce came over this morning.  He kissed me on the cheek today and rubbed my arms while doing it…


….


I have to talk to him about that.  It was a nice gesture, much like the tulips were yesterday but I think I need to better his understanding about somet things.  I feel as though some assumptions have been made so I gotta clear them up.  Its almost lunch time and I am starving but have no clue what I want.  I want meat…I don’t know what.  I’m kinda tasting brisket for some reason and there is this place not too far from here that makes the best brisket..I think I’ll go grab the lunch special then maybe take a walk around the park, its soo pretty today.  It rained this morning (stormed actually) and now the sun is shining. there’s alot of pollen floating around too soI better take care of myself before I step out.


If I have more to say I will return..if not then


later

As you guys can tell..story on hold for a little while. 


There was a stray grenade thrown into my blog.


*blank stare and blinking*


 


I must apologize for my failure to update ze xanga. I have no good reason or excuse for not doing so.  I’ll get back to the story telling soon.


What’s been going on with me… I would ask that you refer to my livejournal for answers to that question since posting it again would be a bit redundant.


http://www.livejournal.com/users/seechelle/


I’m glancing back and forth at the cardinals game and Pittsburg looks piiiiiiiiiissed  :P.  man they are  giving up all kinds of errors.  And the Cardinals have the machine set up and its working too well.  Right now the score is 8 – 1 and its the top of the 9th.  I say the final score will be 11-1.


HAHA!! Cedeno hit a double and 3 runners came home!  11 – 1.   This game is ridiculous.  They only have 2 outs…my my.  Now we go and hold them off to make sure they get nada. 


Ok.. I’ll stop with the baseball.  (What did I say..11-1 😛  ) k, I’m done.


Anyway..life is going.  Not smooth, very rough as a matter of fact but I have gained a little relief in the past few days.  I can’t really go into detail but I can say that I am taking the proper steps to cure myself of my inherent stupidity from which I have suffered since birth. 


Seriously, I’m moving forward.  I’ve managed to get myself in a dumb situation but if I do what I need to do…all will be well??  I can’t see it being good at all, but then again as it was pointed out to me some days ago, all that matters is that I do what I know I need to do after that the rest will be taken care of ..good or bad whether I can see it or not.


to keep from rattling on about this – I’m gonna cut it short.


have a goodnight luvs.


later


 


He drove as fast and safe as he possibly could in the hard rain, his thoughts filled with violent images of what he figured must be happening to his wife. “Why did I ever go along with this?” He said to himself in self-pity and despair.


His speed slowed as he passed two cars pulled off to the side of the road with their passengers arguing quite loudly outside of them. He glanced over to see a tall man whose face was covered by his hat – pull a gun from his coat and point it at the man arguing with him. He drove on but kept watch in his rearview mirror then sped up when he saw a flash appear from the tall man’s hand, heard a pop and witnessed the arguer fall to the ground.


He didn’t get a clear look at the men on the side of the road and was glad he didn’t because that also mean, they couldn’t make him out either. The gunshot put even more urgency behind his mission – he needed to find his wife.


She came to a building that was lit with one small gaslight outside of the huge door in the middle of the industrial district barefoot. During her run through the alleys, she tripped, stumbled out of her shoes and wounded her knee. She clutched her slick coat and tried to wrap it closer around her body as she sought entry into the massive building.


She looked beaten by the rain, her makeup smudged beneath her eyes, face and ears reddened by the cold rain and her entire body soaked to the soul. The wind blew the drops of rain so hard that it felt like needles piercing her face. She twisted the huge brass knob on the door then pushed it open to escape the weather and her captures as she stepped into the dimly lit vastness of the old building.


The wind blew heavily outside as it whistled and made the trees dance under its force.


The oak that sat to the right of the door swayed with great intensity as it buckled and straightened itself in the air, hiding then baring a bronze plaque mounted to the brick outside the building…..


                                                  Pendragon Palace


                                                93 Caliburnus Point


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Not much going on today – it was beautiful day today, I just wish that I could’ve spent at least part of it with someone.