Went to sleep earlier to rid myself of a headache  woke up a little while ago.  Headache hasn’t vanished and I’m wide awake.  Held a conversation with a friend for a lil bit….we found ourselves in complete awe at Yahoo’s new beta messenger and how much it – like much of yahoo’s products suck….which is why its still in beta status.


He left and now I’m up wondering about a few things.  People mostly. They perplex me at times….thats no great revelation right?  yeah.


Anyway – I started thinking, Chelle – maybe you shouldn’t have the expectations you do of the people you know or know of.  Why – because I become instantly disappointed when that person doesn’t meet the expectation that I have of them.  It doesn’t make me look at them any different, but it changes my actions.  I guess people have become a “case sensitive” situation – to certain ones, you do and say this and to others you don’t do or say this….then still to those you haven’t quite figured out, lay low.


Friend… what does that word mean.  what about Trust or Love for that matter …are they subject to hold different meanings at anyone’s discretion?


I don’t know….its just me thinking I guess.  There’s no value on thought so it doesn’t really matter now does it.


origin of thought:  recurrent situation that I tried not to take personal but did today, thus a set of freshly crushed, still moist feelings in a cast and sling.


Heh, a friend said – what do you care given the medium that it took place in …I gave my response which recieved a “good point, I see what you mean” and the subject was changed to lift my spirits.


People – the most valuable item on the face of the planet and also the least worthy.  Its like..winning a contest and the prize is a year supply of chocolate only …..you’re diabetic.  Or living in a nudist colony with a traveling salesman peddling washing powder…..


useless. 


my headache worsens, my temples are now throbbing and its scaring me – I think its time to break down and make an appointment to be seen.  Funny, I thought the lemonade and vodka would help – well it did for a very short period of time, just goes to show…bandaids don’t fix everything.


Its officially friday and it has just occurred to me that I haven’t talked to Him in awhile…. wonder if my migraines have anything to do with that.  Only one way to find out, right…


yeah


 

There are 8 days left until my birthday……


You know whats true – the closer you get to 30 the more vivid, clear and understandable things become.  It really does dawn on you that certain things that you used to do need not be done anymore.  You even freak out a little because you take a look back down the long road you’ve traveled and see all your obstacles overshadowing your successes and because of that – you think to yourself   …..”I haven’t accomplished a damn thing in all this time.”  And while I know that’s not true, it just doesn’t feel like it.


Most people hit 30 or somewhere near ’bouts and lose their frikkin minds – they want their youth back, they want to do all the things they never had a chance to do when then truth is…..you had the chance all along.  We think that when we turn 30, our lives are over – we HAVE to be adults now, “hunker down and be serious”.  Stop being so carefree about life and take it serious.  I have many problems with that –


~ first of all when you are the parent of small children, serious and unfun-ness just isn’t a part of your vocabulary…and for those of you thinking that if you start of serious you’ll continue to be as a parent – hell no, kids make you goofy.  Some of you are teachers, daycare providers, or work in a place with a lot of children….you know what I mean.  Sometimes, you just can’t help but give in to the sillyness.  It doesn’t make you a bad person that you laugh at some kid’s “why did the pig cross the road joke?”  – makes you human, shows you care about the little silly mound of flesh standing infront of you grinning a toothless grin.


So I will not feel old because kids keep me young.


~second of all, I will not regret any action that I have taken ..good or bad.  If not for my mistakes I don’t think I’d be as smart as I am now.  I know things because of the mistakes I’ve made, I know and understand people better because of the mistakes I’ve made…I know myself because of the mistakes I’ve made and I know forgiveness.  My thing isn’t with others forgiving me – sometimes it is because I hate knowing that I’ve upset someone, but I am acutally harder on myself than any of my peers are on me.  I did something a couple of months back that ate me up inside and I was really having a hard time dealing with it – I told myself it was as hard as it was because the person whose forgiveness I sought wasn’t willing to give it…but then after listening to a few people and finally to myself, I realized – that in order to truly be over something, you have to forgive yourself.  You are your own worse critic right? Yeah.  I know I wasn’t the only one to blame for how things happened, but ultimately it was me…I had a choice and at the time I made the wrong decision.


I could tell a bold faced lie and say – I didn’t mean to do any of it…but why??  I know that I did mean to do it.  I wanted to do it and so I did. It cost me and the price was high.  As a matter of fact, I’m still paying for it – but I have a better understanding now…I’m a little smarter about things.  I, in my defiance of being true to myself – chose to ignore all the helpful little voices and do what I wanted to do regardless of who it hurt.  Not proud of it..I’m actually kinda mad at myself but – I can’t keep beating myself up about it.   Because it gets harder and harder to recover from that each time, but I will learn just as I have been..I will learn from every mistake I make.


So I will have no regrets.


~ third ….30 isn’t a bad number. Yeah I joke about getting old and 30 being a big sign of it – but its not bad.  My views have become broader, I was never a closed minded person to begin with but I have an understanding of the nature of people.  Its not hard to talk to people, not at all but it never was for me, I guess now I’m just a bit bolder than I was.  Why fear someone when they are just another human being like you?  Dude I don’t know, I may fake a midlife crisis just to keep from having a boring life..lol  


Midlife crisis – seriously, I think I had it already.  They are usually sparked by depression right and are accompanied by outrageous actions.  So maybe I’ll leap from the top of the Gateway Arch or walk around east st. louis at midnight without any security.


Oooo..I know I know, I’ll go to the Missouri Botanical Gardens without taking any allergy meds!!!!  lol


Ahh..whatever…its not that serious.  It at one point was but it tis no more.


So I’ll be 29 in 8 days…a whole year closer to 30.  I’m not feeling that bad about it actually.   I don’t know – maybe I’ll find a super young boyfriend and teach him a thing or to about women. 😛  hahaha!  Riiiiiiight – they come out of the womb now knowing everything there is to know don’t they????


Nah…..I’m just gonna chill, I’ve made some new friends, I’ll get to know them  and enjoy their company…as far as male companionship – opening bids at 21 and you must have proof.  lol


Anyway…gotta go get some stuff from work…the transition from office to home happens friday.  YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!


later babies.


 

To be satisfied with a little, is the greatest wisdom; and he that increaseth his riches, increaseth his cares; but a contented mind is a hidden treasure, and trouble findeth it not.
Akhenaton

Rough translation – The more money you come across, the more problems you see.


 


Not that I’m having such a problem – it would be nice though.  I watched Slackers..it was nice ginsu’d on comedy central but from what I saw – it was an ok movie.  I laughed.


So I have healed myself. I’m not gonna deal with someone anymore either – its too emotionally draining just trying.  Wanna know what the funny part is – bryce was actually trying to help me. Yeah well…it was a nice gesture.  I missed a few things yesterday.  I was supposed to just run a few errands and ended up stopping by someone’s house at their request. 


Shoulda followed my first mind  and just said no then went home.  But nooooo…because I heard a certain vocal infliction – I went to see him.  Needless to say, I missed out on some fun that I really wanted to have, killed a really good that I was in and missed my BALL GAME!


But its ok…I am healed.


Today is a new day and I am in a good mood…now. 😛  I had a bowl of Cookies n’ Cream, an ice cold rootbeer and I’m currently lounging around in big oversized t-shirt and thong……..flip flops.  Get your minds out the gutter!  Thong flip flops..lol


I am comfy.  I need another rootbeer though.  Not too much going on today.  I’ve been playing messenger tag with a friend – which has been weird but entertaining.  We can never manage to be online at the same time, I guess we will one day.


I’m gonna go draw – I feel like art today.  If I didn’t think the neighbors would flip..I’d take my creativity outside, yes in just this tshirt but I won’t – too many kids on my block.


So I’m gonna go find a pencil and my drawing pad..


later luvs

Hmmm….I’m beginning to wonder if Dechelle is just another name for doormat.  Maybe I’ll change my name into a symbol or something – the woman formerly known as….


Whatever.


I’m watching my team play the Phillies and counting down the hours until I go and see the very much anticipated Revenge of the Sith.  (damn Albert Pujols…if he wasn’t already married…maaaaan)


My day is just creeping along and I fear that if I don’t at least try to sneak in a nap between now and 9pm that I am gonna be in some serious trouble.  I can’t sleep right now because I have to leave in 2 hours to do one more work related thing, then pick up some kids and theeeeeennn..make a phone call.


I’m not even sleepy though.  I’m hot – its pretty humid out and the sun in all its brilliance is knocking on my door.  I do love the sun, everything just looks alive. Don’t get me wrong, I adore the night too but the sun just feeds me energy.  I could be dog tired and step outside into its rays and my fatigue would be no more.


dammit…I have to step away from the puter for a few.  I’ll continue this a little later.

How in the hell do you spam someone’s guestbook?!?!!!


I have two guestbook spams…well they look like it to me anyway.


Anyway – another story entry later today.


later


She stepped out f her shoes and walked across the soft plush of the deep violet carpet toward the grand staircase, as she did so she looked into the huge sitting areas of the building. To the right of the staircase there was a room lit only by its fireplace. She could a woman wearing only a mask, a thong and black high heels sitting on the lap of a gentleman while twirling his tie between her fingers. She watched the two for a second longer then continued onward to the staircase.


Her ascent was slow and careful, she had no idea where she was going but her feet led her up the staircase anyway. She made it to the top and began to walk down the dimly lit corridor. She passed numerous doors in the hall as she walked toward what appeared to be the opening of a ballroom.


A shadow passed before her and gave her a startle. She turned quickly to look behind her and saw nothing. A chill accompanied with goose bumps washed over her body as she turned forward and made her way along the portrait-adorned walls.


A woman dressed in a long slinky black dress with her back baring from shoulder to the top of her perfect buttock, silently stepped out into the hall and watched as the visitor made her way through the palace.


Her long black hair slicked into a tightly rolled bun, piercing green eyes and currant lips made her look something of a 1920’s starlet as she smoked her cigarette through its antique holder. She lifted a small silver cell phone to her diamond-studded ear and placed a brief call.


“You’re prize has arrived without you.”


The deep rasp inquired, “She’s there?”


“Yeeeesss…the rabbit is in the lion’s den.”


“You know what to do.” He asserted.


“Mmmmm…it would be my pleasure.” She purred into the phone.


The call ended and she watched her visitor disappear into the ballroom. Her hourglass body slowly and seductively walked down the hall, being careful to remain out of sight. The smile of a hungry lioness finding prey graced her lips as she conjured a plan to familiarize Mr. Matthews with her surroundings.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Happy Friday the 13th.

Dude…I just read Aztecsugar’s blog and ….I have a bad case of ewwww and chills?


How did the damn penguins get Chlamydia?????


I’m gonna go shower in extremely hot water scrub myself clean and cry for the poor things.


be back later with more story and junk.


 

Back in full swing….


 


Where we last left off – (last paragraph of the last story entry)


The oak that sat to the right of the door swayed with great intensity as it buckled and straightened itself in the air, hiding then baring a bronze plaque mounted to the brick outside the building…..


Pendragon Palace


93 Caliburnus Point


He spoke to himself as he drove, “Why did I ever agree to this?” Worries filled his mind, the images of his wife being tortured became more and more vivid. The entire situation was supposed to be all in good fun – to add spice and excitement to their marriage. He never imagined something such as this would happen.


He tried desperately to calm himself as he drove but found that his anxiety only grew stronger. “I should have never agreed to any of this – what was I thinking?!” And truly – how could he have known that things would go so wrong?


The cell phone in the right pocket of his suit jacket pierced the silence and interrupted his thoughts. A deep raspiness bellowed into the phone, informing him that the clock was ticking and then said something that placed even more guilt upon his already troubled mind.


“You should’ve known better than to have made such…provocative dealings with complete strangers Mr. Matthews.” An evil laughter ensued and shortly after the call ended.


Mr. Matthews did his best to fight back his tears. “It was never supposed to be like this.”


~~~~~~~


I’ve been inspired – so the story continues!

Lets talk.


Why is it….that when I have something to say that no one wants to hear it BUT when others have something to say, I am obligated to listen?


Why is it that when people make commitments to do things with you that they can break them so easily without a call or anything but should something come up that I HAVE to take care of and I call to let them know ….its a big deal and all of a sudden I’m flaking, I’m not respectful of someone’s time, I don’t give a shit…why is that?


Why do I care?


Man….I have been suffering some serious friendship abuse lately and as much as I love them all (you all), you guys are gonna drive me up a fucking wall.  


I swear.


Lets talk about why I’m pissed today.  TODAY!


Chelle is pissed because last night – you bunch of degenerates all but lynched my ass for having to take care of something important.  I called each and every one of you and gave you this message either on your cell phones or directly to you – “I may not make it tonight, something serious came up and I NEED to take care of it, – if I can..I’ll stop through, if not I’ll talk to you later.”


That was sufficient enough without me having to give information that I didn’t want to give.  Did we say, oh hey that’s cool – do what you gotta do…..no instead we said and I quote one in particular..”whatever bitch, you’re just a flake anyway.”


…….


You know…I can and am able to look past the things that some of you say and I did last night because the person that said that was already drunk – but still……….don’t.  Don’t assume or presume to know a situation when you don’t, don’t say dumb shit like that – ESPECIALLY when you are the very definition of the word flake. 


Talk about rude awakening – 9am I wake to my phone ringing with a drunk ass girl on the other end just spewing all types of insane crap but she doesn’t stop there, even in her hungover state she managed to insult the hell out of me, offend me deeply and then on top of all of that…list reasons why she feels obligated to be my friend and if not for those reasons – I wouldn’t have my “most valuable friend”.  So Erika was here this morning (she stayed the night) and still is …and when she saw me staring into my phone with a look of complete and utter shock …she tried to get me to speak.  Oh and I now know why someone hasn’t called or even bothered to contact me thanks to my lovely and adoring friend.


There were a few ways that I could have handled the entire situation this morning…I could have taken the high road – over looked her drunken stupidity and hung up the phone to deal with her later, I could have explained the situation so that she had an understanding as to why I couldn’t make it or I could have stooped to her level and just ripped into her or hung up on her and went back to sleep.


Well I couldn’t look over her this time – the stufff she said, was stuff that she meant and there was no looking over any of it….and I don’t have to explain shit to anyone about what I do, who I do it for or whatever – its my business…..going to her level – its really hard not to and there was so much that I wanted to say to her but two wrongs don’t make a right (and I’ve been chanting that quietly to myself all morning)…..so I hung up on her but I didn’t go back to sleep.  I sat up in the middle of my bed and told Erika everything that the crackhead said.  And I’m with Erika, after the night we had – I really couldn’t deal with anymore drama and I really couldn’t believe some of that stuff came out of lil miss wanna be perfect’s mouth.


I know that with any type of relationship you are required to be as flexible as a rubber band – I’ve bent over backwards, put my legs behind my head and contorted myself in ways unimaginable for my friends and I’ve never really complained about it, my only complaint if any is in wondering how they get themselves into such situations but thats it, its never voiced – not unless its just a really really bad situation and last night was one of them.


Flexibility and love….may I remain the elastic sappy masochist that I am for the sake of friendships because its abuse.  It really is.


So I said that I would talk to the girl that has been doing summersaults on my last nerve when she calls again – because she doesn’t know how to let shit go.  She feels that she should know all things even when they don’t concern her- whatever.  But we will talk, I’m hoarse and I’m not for yelling, I had enough of that last night.  Right now I need coffee and then I’m gonna veg with Erika.


So that this post isn’t completely on the horrors of friendship.


After making my phone calls to let them know that I may not make it…I called Erika to do the same – you know what she said?


“What’s going on…nevermmind that, I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”  and appeared at my doorstep in 6.  When she got here  – she said where are we going and that was it.  I’m telling you – I felt like we were a super hero duo after that..lol  Thats my girl.  She’s pretty much my sister, we are just that close – even when we don’t agree on things, and we rarely do, it doesn’t get in the way.  We have our moments too – we have had some pretty bad arguements but even after all that. 


I can honestly say that the only time we had an issue in which our friendship was in danger is when she dated a guy that I dated shortly after we broke up.  That was a seriously hard thing for me to deal with and because it was, the whole time she dated him, I didn’t talk to her. After almost a year (because he cheated on her) we talked and our friendship resumed.  I guess it shouldn’t have been a big deal but I felt betrayed, disrespected and pretty much like our friendship didn’t matter when she did that.  Not to mention – I broke up with the guy when I found out he was cheating on me and when I told her why we broke up while she was dating him…well


It only came off as me being jealous..lol  There was a little..but I knew the same would happen to her because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. 


Not promiscuous but Man-Whore..lol


But anyway – enough of me bitching..I’m gonna go find out what the woman is burning in my kitchen. *whispers* she’s not the best cook.


later